Jessie's Journal

I'm very bored!!!!
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woma, yes I am, Yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
Idon't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I wo'nt drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "radjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't blech in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
t doesn't grow from my ears and cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of my crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy toupee to cover my dome.

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!And I honestly think it's a privilage for me,
to have these 2 boobs and sit down when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hid that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall fast asleep!
Yes, I am so very glad I am a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the hair club for men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

Thing's not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...
*I only had one officer Mr. Keg...
*Back off barney, I've got a piece.
*Want to race to the station, Sparky?
*On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
*Come on write me the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
*How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
*I'm suprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
*Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer but could you hold my beer for a minute?
*I thought you had to be in relatively good shape to be a police officer.
*You're not going to check the trunk are you?
*"Let's do it differnt this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"
*Wow you look like the guy inthe picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
*Bet I could grab your gun before you finish writting my ticket
*Hey officer want to see a trick? Look at your wife!

WAYS TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A FUNERAL
*Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
*Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
*Ask somone to take a picture of you shaking hands with the deceased.
*Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
*Drive behind the widows limo and keep honking your horn.
*Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask him if he can sneak him into the coffin.
*Slip a whoopee cusion under the widow.
*Leave some fake dog poop on the deceased.
*Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
*Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
*As k the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.
*Put crazy glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
*When no-pne's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
*Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
*Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
*Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
* Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.
*Write "Best before last week" on the top of the coffin when nobody is looking.
*Accidentally sneeze on the deceased, and literally wipe the smile off his face.
*If its a woman, spread her legs and write "dying for a shag" on the side of the coffin.

20 FUN THING'S TO DO WHILE DRIVING
*Vary your vehicle's speed inversley with the speed limit.
*Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.
*At stop lights, eye the personin the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
*Write the words "help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
*Have conversations with yourself whil driving alone.
*Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
*Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbis out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
*Pass cars then drive very slowly.
*Honk frequentally without motivation.
*Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene geture.
*Ask people for Grey Poupon.
*Let Pedestrians know who's boss.
*Look behind you frequentally, with a paranoid look.
*Hang numerous car-freshners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
*While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
*Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
*Root for fire trucks.
*Stop and collect road kill.
*Stop and pray to road kill.
*Throw spam.

See you guys these are the end results of a very boring and unproductive day!

Current Mood: bored
Current Music: Whatever you got!

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